OK, so I’m a little late to my awakening, but at least I showed up.
For the past 15 years of my life, I’ve been blowing past life’s precious milestones like an angry bull. You can see me in the pictures. There I am – bleeding out of the four wounds on my side, just trying to avoid that last fatal strike of the muleta between the shoulder blades.
I’ve always done what was expected of me. I went to college, got married, bought a house, built a career, moved to a nicer house and had my kids. Throughout this journey, I kept my head down, nose to the grindstone. My motto was work hard, break stuff. I eventually would join the ranks of the other Type A chics: 8 and a half months pregnant, taking the 2 downtown to the Chase building in 92 degree weather and 95% humidity, cawfee in hand, overly prepared and on time for the 10 AM meeting. It was the way of Sisyphus. The higher you climb, the less likely you are to admit weakness of any kind. My parents approved.
My first boss was friends with a woman named Marie, who ran a department of about 30 account managers. Marie knew so much about the industry and operations, had a large team that respected her, had relationships with all the best accounts and she just had this vibe – I have it together, it took me a long time to get here, so don’t mess with me. She embodied everything quite frankly I was not. For starters, I actually left the building for lunch, and I absolutely could not make any separation between work and personal. I would cry at the drop of a hat over any corporate injustice. In order for me to stand up to a boardroom full of men, that certainly wasn’t an option.
I had heard one day that Marie was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and needed a double mastectomy. When she came back to work, Marie was wearing turtle necks every day to cover her neck, which was burnt from radiation. She never missed a day of work and when anyone would ask her how she was doing, she would tell people dismissively, “I’m fine.” Fine!?! Oooooh. OK. I see how this works.
After the birth of my daughter, the tears over everything stopped. There must be a scientific reason why that happened, because it was like a literal switch. I started to feel mentally stronger and stopped taking everything so personally. I will still cry my ass off watching La Boheme, but at work? Are you kidding? Not happening – EVER. And from that point on, it was VP or bust. That title encompassed everything I thought I wanted: to be accountable, oversee a department, have staff, have tons of responsibilities. At the same time, I wasn’t travelling Monday through Thursday like the SVPs were, so I could still be there for my babies.
But around the time my kids could feed and bathe themselves, I started having trouble sleeping. I would wake up at 1:30 in the morning most nights and just think about how empty I felt. I used to be proud of who I was – a reader, an admirer of art, music, culture. I had a thirst for knowledge and a deep desire to keep growing as a person. I loved to talk to like minded people and get excited about things they were excited about. Back in the day, my then-boyfriend and I would talk about articles we read and say dumb shit like, “Let’s build a camera out of a box!” Always some crazy idea: another road trip to see a new exhibit, salsa lessons – we saved $60 for a trip to Greece in a decorated shoe box in the trunk of his car – my parents had a field day with that one. Well, I drive a Mercedes now. I left that broke-ass, naive girl behind.
Then those late night thoughts started to carpool with me to work. An hour plus on the LIE there and back thinking how much I hated my job, my boss, how did I get here, this isn’t who I am. I should be doing SOMETHING. Can you make money doing that? Oh yes, money…and right then and there, the GonzalezBudget.xslx would pop up in my mind and the nagging would stop. Doing something was a luxury I couldn’t afford. So what are we making for dinner?…who do I have to pick up and when? After all, you have all this heart but you don’t have any solutions…so is it too cold to BBQ?
When I look back on my career in corporate now – without sounding too “woo woo” – the universe was showing me obvious signs that I had to get the hell out. Every time I switched jobs or was laid off, the next job was considerably worse than the last, until the point where I had to bribe myself with treats just to get from the parking lot to my office every morning. It’s cold, why don’t you go inside, heat up your oatmeal and get nice and toasty! Wait – I think Laura’s bringing bagels today! Coincidentally, it was also during this time that my husband started doing well enough where he could manage our expenses on his own. What an opportunity that was! This is IT. The time is NOW. Quit today! And dooooo…what exactly?
During my ever-so-frequent middle of the night meetings with me, I began to ask some basic questions:
- What are you good at?
- What bothers you?
- What are you passionate about?
- How can you redefine business?
A friend had lent me Tribes, by Seth Godin. I connected so deeply with the concepts in this book. Be a leader, start a tribe, everyone wants to feel connected to something. And isn’t that so desperately needed in today’s social media obsessed world? I had always felt adamantly opposed to social because it made me feel the exact opposite of what it set out to do. With every picture and posting, I was reminded of how I didn’t measure up in some way. And for someone like me who spends every waking moment pushing herself to be better, I didn’t need any daily reminders about how much I suck. And since we’re having a moment, I might as well tell you – I never finished Tribes. I wanted Seth to call me and tell me HOW to make all this great stuff happen and he never did…
I think so many people can identify with getting stuck on the how. They can say they want to, but the execution piece is a son of a bitch. For me, after I figured out what I wanted to do and I knew THIS IS IT – that’s when I figured out the how.
Before my son started gaming, he actually played with toys. We bought him RC trucks. They broke. We bought him submarines, they broke. One RC robot actually started smoking mere hours after we unboxed it. One thing all this junk had in common: it was all made in China. What in the world is going on – this stuff is so cheap – it’s plastic and it’s made to go to straight to the landfill by your next garbage pick up day?
Now I have to admit – I do feel guilty feeling this way. And I’m not implying that everything that is made in China is garbage. I mean, my iPhone is made in China and that thing rocks! So please forgive me as I am taking you on my journey – and right or wrong – this was part of the thought process…
I started to read about the over-production of plastic and the fact that each water bottle takes up to 700 years to even begin to decompose. I thought of all the water bottles we used everyday in our house. All the barely touched water bottles we left in the conference rooms over the years. Where was this all going?
I happened to stumble upon an article about how it was possible to recycle plastic water bottles into clothing. Even as I type this today – that still blows my mind. What? We can do that? But is it soft? Does it smell like plastic? I had to see this RPET “fabric” for myself. I wore it, I washed it, I wore it again. And it was AWESOME. You can make fleece out of it! Sweatshirts! Joggers! Leggings – oh my! I mean, who doesn’t wear t shirts? Couldn’t we solve a huge environmental problem if more of our stuff was made from materials like RPET? And as I continued my research, I started to learn about fast fashion and how we are wreaking havoc on the environment making cheap clothes. How fashion is the second most polluting industry in the world. And just like when I started to be more careful about the toys I purchased for my son, I started looking at my clothing labels, where and how it was made. And that was it. This was something I could talk about to people. Something I could teach, write about – I was totally inspired. My world, my purpose finally started making sense again. So I began to test my idea. I would ask my friends, family, strangers even – did you know you can recycle plastic into your favorite t shirt? And it was the craziest thing. No one I spoke to knew it was possible – and they all had the same reaction I did: What? Really? But how does it feel?
I began to envision a place where consumers could learn about the importance of eco friendly, socially responsible clothing. I would offer sustainable clothing basics that became your effortless, yet stylish go-tos. Our clothes would provide a more meaningful connection to the earth, the materials and the people who made them. I would take great care to ensure that every detail – from the laundry tags to shipping materials – were produced sustainably and in the USA. I would share our proceeds with grassroots charities to help further our cause. And so, Tribe Brand Clothing Company was born.
And selfishly for me, there is so much room to grow. I can see our tribe hosting local events where we can bring greater awareness to our causes through art and education. I can partner with artists who share this vision and incorporate their art with our clothes. I can see the path ahead, and it is good.
If there’s any advice I can give to my fellow peeps patiently but passionately looking to do something, it’s to examine your past. Try to connect things that have happened to you. What is your smoking robot? What book landed in your hands? What do you feel you are good at? Listen to the universe, or God, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it. And when you have that gut instinct that something that happened to you is a sign, odds are…
I’ve learned more in the last 6 months, than I have in the past decade. Building this brand has been my greatest challenge yet and although we are small – I can see the possibilities. Together, our tribe will do great things! I feel like I waited too long to reunite with the old me. And for the record, I still think she’s silly – but I bet my kids will love her.
Sustainably Yours 